Conquering Fear of Serious Commitment

What defines love? What defines a working relationship? How do we know that it will work out long-term?

These are some of the questions that I have been asking myself for the past few years. I grew up being told not to date in school; if I were to date, it would be for marriage. From a young age, a very traditional perspective on love and relationships would be instilled in me.

Growing up, my parents weren’t very affectionate toward each other. They seemed more like travel buddies, roommates, and parents. They shared a sense of duty towards me, their only child. That said, I was quite privileged growing up in a middle-class family. Both my parents worked, and I was able to participate in quite a few extracurriculars. That said, I grew up seeing an atypical healthy relationship that wasn’t anything like those depicted in romance movies or novels.

As I entered the dating scene and explored my sexuality, I had to let go of the idea that sex was something taboo. I had to completely undo the traditional values of my upbringing as they were detrimental to me finding what I wanted in a relationship. I wanted a relationship, yet I kept struggling to find something that stuck.

For this reason, I became avoidant. I valued independence and learned not to become dependent on others. I also consistently worried that any guy I was hanging out with 1-on-1 would “catch feelings” for me. I was afraid of confrontation — from being afraid of confronting my parents to becoming afraid of confronting others in my life, I knew that my habits were inhibiting my ability to connect with others.

In another vein, I was always under pressure of exceeding expectations and making my parents proud. This pressure became internalized and I would stress myself out trying to exceed my expectations. It took me a long time to unwind this mentality, and it slowly unraveled in undergrad. When applied to my relationships, I feel a sense of anxiety when I lower my emotional defenses and connect with others more intimately. As my emotional intelligence increased, I noticed that my anxiety triggers also increased.

Have I gotten closer to secure attachment?

I’m not quite sure, but I now definitely have more tools to communicate how I’m feeling and can recognize my triggers. I’m also able to identify my needs to prevent these triggers from activating. I pride myself on how far I’ve come when it comes to my relationships (platonic and romantic), and I also recognize that I have a ways to go.

This past summer, I watched Love is Blind: Japan. One of the participants, Midori, ended the show with a successful marriage and happy relationship. I related to how she analyzed the prospects of the relationship and overthought throughout the entire process. I remember hearing one specific line that stuck with me: (paraphrased) “I can’t imagine my day-to-day without you, so if you can accept these feelings for now, then I accept this proposal.” This was in response to the second proposal that Wataru, her now husband, made during the show.

“I can’t imagine my day-to-day without you, so if you can accept these feelings for now, then I accept this proposal.”

As I continue to move forward in my personal growth journey, I think about this sentiment a lot. I think that’s ultimately what I am trying to find. Someone with whom I can’t imagine my life without. I’m no longer scared of serious commitment since I don’t view it as “forever”. I view it as “for as long as it lasts”.