I Cried on a Plane

While flying over the Arctic Circle on the second leg of my flight back home from Copenhagen, I began to cry. I had been reflecting on the things that had happened in my life over the past year and realized that I had grown a lot as a person — I could feel it in myself.

You might be wondering how I’m able to tell. There are two specific moments that come to mind, themed around Less Impulsivity and Emotional Safety.

Less Impulsivity

Shortly after arriving in the Bay Area in June last year, I burned a bridge with a person with whom I was anxiously attached. I had been chatting with them for about a year online and met them in person once after arriving in the Bay. My relationship with this person had caused me to have the one and only anxiety attack of my life — it was the most terrifying experience I had ever gone through.

The interesting thing was that I had known that I was anxiously attached, and yet, I did not see the attack coming. The anxious attachment was characterized by a good amount of emotional impulsivity. At the time, I did not know how to deal with my romantic relationships and my emotions in a thoughtful way.

Once that bridge had burned, I spent a lot of time trying to reset my new life as an independent adult. I began to invest my time into new experiences and establishing a local network of friends. Not too long after that, I began dating someone who, like me, wasn’t sure what they were looking for. Through this relationship, I learned a lot about myself and proactively analyzed my thought patterns. This led me into a headspace where I was applying the theory that I had learned about attachment issues, and I was able to be critical of whether or not I was being hypocritical with my expectations.

There was a pivotal moment during the time I was in this relationship in which I was recognized for having emotionally matured. I had met up with my aunt and uncle for lunch one day, and my uncle commented on the way I was speaking to them about this relationship and my dating life. There was a significant difference between how I was talking to them in that moment versus how I had talked about it in the past with family members.

It was after this conversation, that I recognized within myself, a moment of self-growth that had been acknowledged by close family members. To this day, I still get emotional reflecting on my uncle’s comment.

Emotional Safety

Life is a rollercoaster with its ups and downs. Sometimes you hit troughs when you feel like nothing is working out, and other times you hit peaks when you feel like nothing is in your way.

My journey with emotional safety started in a trough and ends at a peak. Throughout my life, I reckoned with understanding my emotional needs and what “safety” really felt like. I grappled with the relationship I had with my parents, and I also learned to fully embrace my genuine friendships. Over the past 8 years, I learned to trust.

I’ve written about my trip to Europe in early September of this year, 2023, and it was life-changing in many ways. Not only did it teach me about my passions, but it also provided me with an opportunity to implement a moment of self-growth.

I was travelling with my two friends and on one particular night, we were sitting outside in a plaza in Copenhagen. That night, I remember feeling a bit tired and unwell. At some point, I wanted to head back to the hostel. The internal dialogue I had with myself went like this: “This is the perfect opportunity to share my needs. These people are kind, and that’s all I’ve seen from them. If I don’t speak up, I’ll just feel resentful. What’s wrong with taking that risk?”

I could feel that my heartrate was up and was quite nervous when I uttered the words, “Hey, uhh, I’m getting a bit tired, so I kinda want to head back.” “Okay,” I heard my friend respond, and we immediately got up.

It all happened quite fast, and I was a bit surprised that nothing really happened. At the same time, I felt instant relief knowing that I had taken the risk, and everything turned out okay.

So here I was, sitting on my flight, with tears welling up in my eyes. I was feeling immense gratitude for the people I had met in my life and the comfort I felt spending time with them. I reflected on the growth I experienced as an individual and the work I still needed to do moving forward in life.

I am forever indebted to the way that my friends have treated me and accepted me throughout the years as I navigate my own internal world. To those friends, I say, “Thank you. Thank you for supporting me and being there with your presence.” I try my best to express that through what I give in my part of the friendship — I love you all.